I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.