niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
You Might Also Like
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.