My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I know karate and tons of other words.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Challenge accepted.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.