For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Autocarrot sucks!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
is this meant to deter me
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
she has a point