My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.