Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.