Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Good morning!
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My background check bounced.
o shit
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.