I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Can. I. Help. You.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.