[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won鈥檛 be that bad
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
銇濄倢銇崏
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it鈥檚 like to be a parent.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My kids super power is knowing he won鈥檛 like a food before he even tries it
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike鈥檚 wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don鈥檛 know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist