me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit