Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.