I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie