My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
let’s discuss
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me in tagged photos
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.