A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
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A classic…
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Bros before Ohioes
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together