WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall