I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
You Might Also Like
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks