Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook