I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
being a writer on Twitter:
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I mean…but I did
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer