McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…