I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project