A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
groan^2
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.