we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.