my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
worst…sale…ever
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad