“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
do horses think humans are hats
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
opening a flower shop called women in stem