so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Midwest trash talk
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.