Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
How dramatic are you?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.