If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The internet is full of many things
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef