Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
next question.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.