*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.