My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey