Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.