BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I enjoy a good short stor
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.