My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
2023 was just a warmup
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON