Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.