[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
You Might Also Like
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.