My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I am also baked goods
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.