[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.