*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Bill is short for Billiam
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.