What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT