[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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Muppet Screams
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.