Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.