Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.