me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé