My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Ghost costume 😂
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.