“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.