My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I hate my earbuds.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
m’lady
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?