My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.