At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do