I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
We like the way Dwight thinks
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children