*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?